My Arranged Marriage

I had a panic attack. Something that happens to other people. Something you read about. Something that just doesn't happen to me. It was awkward. My mind went on the fritz to the tune of the old AOL login sound effects. After almost 4 days of little sleep, little food, and little to eat, I spent Saturday afternoon trying to nap but just sitting in our bed. My mind spun it's tires and revved the engine while stuck in the mud of all my greatest fears. Relational trauma takes 5 years to heal. I'm going to be a sad and weird mom around my son until just in time for kindergarten. All my memories from my marriage are fake, tainted by my husband secretly thinking how disgusting I look and basically waiting to shoo us out of the way so he could be alone. The rest of my life, I'm going to be looking behind my shoulder, having to babysit him, will I ever really trust again? The old carefree, loves to laugh me is gone, my life will never be the same, Nate killed that me and now ...

Day 1, I found out my life was not what I thought it was. My husband confessed longterm betrayal, a pornography addiction that started soon after we got married 3 years ago. Day 2, Shock/Anger/Sadness/Humiliation/Research Day 3, I am told that if we are to stay together, we must build a brand new relationship. There is nothing to build on. Our old relationship was propped up by daily lies, but was rotten to the core, an ugly old Hollywood storefront prop. The confession didn't break us, it just tapped the wall and made it crash down. Since porn addiction covers a lack of sharing, intimacy and vulnerability from the addict, and demands a steady, healthy serving of lies, I don't really know the man next to me. He is a stranger. In some ways, I am a stranger to him. Two spouses, a new relationship. We are arranging our next marriage, to each other. We have to choose each other again. I want to document this process, have an outlet so I don't drown in all the feelings, an...